Monday, March 9, 2009

Ruby Romaine

This poem is based on a Tracey Ullman Character from her TV show Tracey Takes On...

Ruby Romaine

Ruby is a Make-Up Artist,
Or “Artiste” as she would say,
“I’m not a star I’m a star maker”,
Her hair is curly and grey.

Ruby is a smoker,
A heavy drinker too,
Who smokes Pall Mall cigarettes,
And wears white sneaker shoes.

Some people may think she’s an alcoholic,
But she’d never say she was,
“It’s my medication” She’d say,
Trying to say it’s for a good cause.

She remembers what LA used to be like,
“Two orange trees and a gate”,
“Now it’s turned into boomshakalaka town”,
Started smoking when she was eight.
Her son Buddy came back from Vietnam,
And now he has shell-shock,
He’s sold his body parts before,
Ruby thinks it’s a load of crock.

Ruby has a hip replacement,
And “Bazoombas to the floor”,
Her neighbours are Hispanic,
And Jehovah’s witnesses come to her door.
Ruby has been arrested once,
For possession of cocaine,
When it was found in her make-up trailer,
“It’s not mine, I swear okay?”

She was kicked off of the roster,
And was out of work,
So she turned to Pepper Kane,
Who ended up being a jerk.
She said she couldn’t work with white people,
That’s not how it went down,
So she turned Ruby away,
Back to Boomshakalaka town.

So Ruby went to Skip’s house,
The man that kicked her off,
She rang the buzzer and walked in,
And gave a heaving cough.
She walked up the staircase,
To Skip’s room,
Where someone sat in his chair,
They were getting a plaster impression,
For a mask; she didn’t care.

They bickered back and forth,
He told Ruby to leave,
He wasn’t going to put her on the roster,
She needed some time to grieve.
“I hope your prostate swells like a balloon!” she said,
“And you get kicked off the set”,
His dad won’t be too happy about this,
And will kick his own son off I bet.

But before Ruby opened the door,
There was a great surprise,
Ruby’s friend walked through the door,
He was still alive!
Wally had awoken from his coma,
And was happy to be back,
Ruby asked him to help her out,
And thought to skip “You’re a dead man Jack”.

Ruby finished telling her story,
And said that she was put back on,
She was glad that she was working again,
And that all this crap was done.
Ruby has done make-up for famous people,
Like Catherine Hepburn and Joan Crawford,
She’s been working for fifty years now,
The oldest person on the roster.

She’s the one who started Linda Granger’s career,
Did the make-up for her show,
But caught Linda sniffing “The fairy dust”
From her make-up kit,
You know.

Linda got really really mad,
And slapped Ruby across the face,
When she tried taking the drugs away from her,
Told Linda it was a waste.

She has never done any drugs,
At least that’s what we know,
But smoking and drinking combined is far far worse,
Then sniffing something up your nose!

This poem is like a book,
It’s going on forever,
But Tracey makes me do it,
I’ll never stop admiring her.

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