Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Andrew Mitchell's State of the Union

Incredibly well done. Write more please! Add me in next time ;p

America, 50 states, 51 Capital Cities, Home to over 300 million Americans. From
Coast to Coast. From Sea to shining sea. Land of the free. Home of the Brave.
Let's visit its people for a day.

It's 4:15AM Monday in Westland, Michigan and Roger Reini stretches, picks up his
copy of the Bahai holy texts, heads out to the back yard and winds up his Tracey
Ullman flag. With a salute to Lady Sovereign and not a thought of another
pending 2,000 layoffs at the Ford motor plant, he blissfully savors the sight of
the stars meeting the sun and his favorite Brit flapping as morn' breaks.

Chicago, Illinois, the windy city and Laurie Beatnik is late for work. She has a
busy day ahead and depressed over last night's episode of SOTU. she pulls out
her "Now NetworkT Sprint® BlackBerry" to text her hubby. "We don't 'pig call'
in Illinois! WE DON'T PIG CALL IN ILLINOIS! I cranky. Make dinner tonight. I
spent mornin takin out all pork from freezer. There be tofu in fridge. Good
luck. I be home late. Put kids bed. Going church after work speak to Sister
Mary. She needs know how Tracey being making fun a nuns! not right. NOT RIGHT!"

It's Sportstown USA, Greenville, North Carolina and Mr. Takahashi is on another
run to the Piggly Wiggly to pick up some pickles and Haagen Dazs. Christina
Takahashi, tears drenching her nightgown, is sitting in front of her VCR
watching "Sir" from the Tracey Ullman Show for the 633rd time this week.
Suddenly that queasy feeling hits and with a thunderous dash for the toilet, she
inadvertently rips the VCR cord from the wall, the machine flips over and her
one true VHS copy of "Sir" unravels all over the floor. She kneels before the
toilet, looks to the sky and wonders what will be toiling her longer: the
morning sickness or SOTU second season.

It's 2PM in Los Angeles, California and the staff of SOTU have been summoned to
the development room by Allan McKeown. "aanealog, the fans are on to us." You
must immediately make the website look like a fan site. Personalize it for
bloody sake! Dedicate it to Tracey or something. We need to build a fandom
online!" He turns to Bruce Wagner, who suddenly bristles with fear. "Oh relax,
I'm not firing you yet. We need more filth Bruce. Dirty it up. Whatever it
takes. If she has to flash her tits, she has to flash her tits!! We gotta be
relevant! We want the kids. Not those old loser Tracey Ullman Show fans!

7PM in Toronto and Andrew Mitchell has just returned from the US border post
office after picking up his Tracey Ullman website commission cheque. "Goddammit!
How the hell am I gonna put Frannie through college if I can't sell more VHS
tapes of Best of 3 Of A Kind", he screams. Dressed in her baseball uniform, his
daughter enters the room. "Daddy, are you ready to take me to baseball
practice?", she asks. "Not now Frannie! I have to send an email to another one
of Tracey's writers. Gotta get them to show her the light. Why won't they talk
to me anymore?! They so agreed with me about SOTU's poor writing!" he exclaims.
"But Daddy I thought you liked Tracey Ullman? What's this? A cheque? You're
making money off Tracey Ullman!! Oh Daddy, that's a truly awfully thing to see.
You have no sense of honor. You're practically picking Tracey Ullman's pocket!"

9PM in motor city and Roger Reini, a yawn overcoming him, decides to go upstairs
to make sure everything is in place in his Tracey Ullman memorabilia room. He
notices that Episode 6, 2nd season "The Tracey Ullman Show" is missing! A sudden
panic overcomes him until he realizes it inadvertently got filed under Episode 6
of A Kick Up The Eighties. With a sigh, a smile and his Bahai texts firmly
clenched to his chest, Roger heads out to the back yard to wind down the flag of
Lady Sovereign. With his unwavering disposition of optimism, he looks to the
stars and nods. Good Night America.

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